28th May,2026 You suffer more in your mind than in reality. I may sound corny talking about this but I've been telling this myself ever since I got aware of everything. It's honestly helped me a lot. But I'm struggling now. I'm in love with my cousin. I hate it. i hate that i cant unlove her. I feel disgusting because every one of my cousins treat each other like siblings. It's been like this for quite a while now. I know i cant have her. I know i can never have her. So why cant i move on? Why does everything she does seems so nice to me? And even if she wasnt my cousin it would still be a problem as shes way older than me. Shes like three or four years older. I hate it. It feels like an addiction i cant stop. Its the second day of eid. Yesterday, when i was resting while all the men were out butchering the goats, i saw her. She came out of the room. I didnt notice when she came downstairs but i did notice when she was in the room.I was outside in the lounge. She came outside for a task or something i dont really remember. I zoned out looking at her. I was amazed at her beauty. She noticed it. She smiled and said 'What are you looking at?' She went inside. I was embarrassed. A lot. But i was happy. She told me to bring her a tissue box. I guess i looked too much in her eyes or too intently because i noticed a subtle smile on her face. Liking her is just one of my problems. There comes me being a disappointment, me not achieving anything like everyone else my age, my hair, and a lot more. Today, sabiha phupho (i may talk in urdu or use urdu terms sometimes) came and shortly after arriving, she pointed out jokingly that my parents sent me out to gather meat from people's houses because my face looks like it. In my culture, on the second eid people sacrifice goats and beggars go to people's houses to ask for meat because its sunnah to share it with ppl in need. She kept talking about this. This was all tolerable bc i kept telling myself that u suffer more in ur mind than in reality. In the evening, she told me to come sit with her. She popped all my pimples even after i told her not to. She was talking abt stuff with other ppl and i dont quite remember what, but she told me 'you should achieve something too so you can give us a treat. Did u not ever do something appreciable?' My mother said 'he doesnt do it because he knows you'll ask him for a treat' agreeing to het statement. I feel bad. Very bad. I'm a disappointment. I think. The only people i appreciate in my life r my father,sister and my mother's side's grandmother. I dont feel welcome anywhere. My sister and brother have good relations in my dad's side of the family. My sister is favored in my mother's side of the family since she's the only girl. I only have 2 friends in school and everyone else either hates me or is too scared to admit it as I've had a lot of fights. My mother always scolds me about stuff when i get home. She always finds something to scold me about. Because of her everyone else starts scolding me too. Atp, school is an escape from home and home is an escape from school. But it's all good bc i have 3 whole months without school. I'm glad i can vent about this stuff here because all my diaries would eventually get read by ppl. Anyways, look at this doodle i made with mehndi.
